The Jesus Christ Sponge (Shamwow Parody)
04
Jul
PC Trouble
04
JulI was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard,
the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission
Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what
was wrong? He replied, ‘It was an ID- ten-T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired, An, ID-ten-T error? What’s that, in case
I need to fix it again.
Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an
ID-ten-T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down, he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
The Rules (By Man)
04
Jul* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways,
and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant the
other way.
* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so
that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or
handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting
equipment nearby.
* We don’t know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don’t even
ask.
* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows
why this happens.
* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions
about “us” and “the relationship.”
* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those
stupid magazine quizzes together. * Actually, you probably
don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday
crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery
shopping. * Things you should let us do alone: figuring
out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards,
and home repair.
* Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do
we.
* Curley is the bald one. * Unless you are willing to
follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold
Schwarzenegger, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley
Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.
* Socks never constitute a gift. * Dinner out is a pretty
good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even
better.
* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact,
constitute going out to dinner.
* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. All comments become null and void after
seven days.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done-not both. * Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
* No, you can’t have the remote control.
* When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto
the off ramp, your saying “This is our exit” is not
necessary.
Men Vs. Women Dictionary
04
JulDICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No tits
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie
Friendship first – Former very *friendly* person
Fun – Annoying
New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded – Desperate
Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous – Very Fat
Large frame – Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate – Stalker
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
Man Vs. Women Poems
04
JulWOMAN’S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
–
MAN’S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
New Business Terms
04
Jul1. Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
2. Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
3.Seagull Manager – A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.
4. Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
6. Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
7. Career Limiting Move (CLM) – Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
8. Adminisphere – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
9. Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
10. 404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ” 404-URL Not Found,” meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: “Don’t bother asking him… he’s 404, man.”
11. Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: “We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in.”
12. Ohno-Second – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
13. Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. Umfriend – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Dylan, my…um…friend.”
15. Body Nazis – Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
16. Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.
17. Idea Hamsters – People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
18. Mouse Potato – The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
19. Prairie Dogging – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
20. SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for “Single Income, Two Children, and Oppressive Mortgage”.
21. Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
22. Stress Puppy – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
23. Swiped Out – An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
24. Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
25. G.O.O.D. Job – A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
26. Yuppie Food Stamps – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: “We owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.
21 Things To Do In AN Elevator
04
Jul1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World”
incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by
themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and
then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”
10. Meow occasionally.
11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
12. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the
side.
13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
“You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the
other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is
that your beeper?”
16. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
17. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red
buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal
space.”
20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
21. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other
passengers.
Beer turns you into a woman….The Secret is out!
04
JulLast month, the National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens)and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. Beer contains female hormones.To test the theory 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Argued over nothing.
2.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3.) Gained weight.
4.) Talked excessively without making sense.
5.) Became overly emotional.
6.) Couldn’t drive.
7.) Failed to think rationally
8.) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
PMS Stands For…
04
Jul13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Just To Be Safe Rules
04
JulWomen will understand this! Men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
–
|
DANGEROUS: |
SAFER: |
SAFEST: |
ULTRA SAFE: |
|
What’s for dinner? |
Can I help you with dinner? |
Where would you like to go for dinner? |
Here, have a margarita |
|
Are you wearing that? |
Wow, you sure look good in brown! |
WOW! Look at you! |
Here, have a marguerita |
|
What are you so worked up about? |
Could we be overreacting? |
Here’s my paycheck. |
Here, have a marguerita |
|
Should you be eating that? |
You know, there are a lot of apples left. |
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? |
Here, have a margarita |
|
What did you DO all day? |
I hope you didn’t over-do it today. |
I’ve always loved you in that robe! |
Here, have a margarita |
