PERRICONE'S WORLD

Dear Tide

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my middle years, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. “Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it! Of course You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. “Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. “I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. “What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner.”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!  Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.  The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.  A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You F***ers are my kind of people!”

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it
reads. No one I know has gotten it right, Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be
her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but
never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]

Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test
by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the
question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your
crazy-ass off my email list.

As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:     Class started before I got here.
——————————————————–
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America    ..
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
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TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I’m a  lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘  I.  ’
MILLIE:         I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’
MILLIE:         All right…  ’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand…..
______________________________________
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER:       Clyde , your  composition on  ’My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE   :         No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer  interested?

HAROLD:     A teacher

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .  He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried..
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever  live without you.”

Her husband asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me ………….. talking to the wine.”..