PERRICONE'S WORLD

I don’t condone this in anyway….I post jokes, that’s what I do. Sorry!
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A woman goes to the doctor, and she’s beaten black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have the perfect medicine for that” he said. “When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes
to bed and is a sleep.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and sure enough he didn’t touch me!”

Doctor: “You see how much, keeping your fucking mouth shut helps?”

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
”What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘ Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’…….

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop.
“How did you get all that money?
You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady.
“You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence
into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say,
‘$20 or off it comes’.

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know”, “not everybody pays”.

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here
is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies,
‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.’

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

An old Italian lived alone in  New Jersey .  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie