PERRICONE'S WORLD

An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d realize that’s a sheep, not a cow.”

The husband replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”

An 70-year-old man from was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, whichwas as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Having Mom Over For Dinner

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle… You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mum,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum

LESSON OF THE DAY

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER -

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘ Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad.. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’

‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.

‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘ Melissa , that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’

‘I know, ‘ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.’

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

I Want To Be Like Mommy!

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington