PERRICONE'S WORLD

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here
is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies,
‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.’

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

An old Italian lived alone in  New Jersey .  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
“What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget.”

A crusty old man walks into the local Baptist Church and says to the
secretary, “I want to join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in our church.”

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
“Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There ain’t no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this church to get
rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”