A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to  Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving  Wife
Subject:  I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was..
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here !

After examining his girl friend, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: “Your boyfriend had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”

No, No……..the older guy by the door…

An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d realize that’s a sheep, not a cow.”

The husband replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, whichwas as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle… You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mum,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum

LESSON OF THE DAY

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER -