He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

‘Pick me up.’

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you.’

Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large Sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed.

She watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:

‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.’
Thank you

I was fired for ordering the cups.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to  Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving  Wife
Subject:  I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was..
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here !

After examining his girl friend, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: “Your boyfriend had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”

No, No……..the older guy by the door…